This Does Not Compute!
Today I finally blew my composure. I yelled, cajoled, cried and threatened, all to no avail. The response I got was a blank look, and silence. I even resorted to desk pounding and finger pointing, but nothing seemed to make a difference. It was treating me like a stranger, a nobody, unwanted, even though we have been living together for several years. Oh sure, we have battles, and we usually kiss and makeup, but this morning was the breaking point. It started out like every other morning, except as soon as I sat down with my coffee, it started giving me grief. Yes, I am talking about my live in, my right arm, my source of all things important, my computer.
Messages started almost immediately. “You have scan results. Fifty items detected. Do you want to fix now?” “Sure, why not?” I thought to myself. “It can’t take terribly long.” I casually hit the repair button, blissfully unaware of the chaos that awaited me. The screen started flashing and the progress bar started creeping along. It seems to stop, and to be stuck there. What the heck is going on? At this rate, I’ll be an old lady (well, older woman), by the time this job is done. I quickly try to halt the scan. It’s not happening. The next thing that I read is, “This event cannot be stopped now”. I use my entire arsenal of computer skills, banging every delete and F key on the keyboard, like they were a “whack a mole” game. At last, I’m rewarded with a closed program and it returns to my desktop. “Whew.” That was a close call.
Now I can get back to work. Opening up an email program, I’m short circuited by the following statement, “Please, enter the twenty six digit product key”. Oh, no, it’s still toying with my emotions, and I am not amused. Looking everywhere, from the bottom of the computer to the attic, I finally recognize that there is no product key anywhere. I quickly switch to my default email. Problem solved. Not! What now for Pete’s sake? On the screen I see the following, “This computer has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down”. Cripes, you’d think that it was an unlicensed doctor performing extensive organ removal in a back room. I’m starting to lose my control for sure now. Our love /hate relationship goes on. I hate my computer, and it loves to drive me nuts. For the next twenty minutes, we quarrel back and forth.
Computer: Can’t find the printer.
Me: “It’s right here on my desk!”
Computer: A critical error has occurred. Please consult your system administrator.
Me: “I am the administrator for heavens sake, and I have no clue what’s going on!”
Computer: Norton blocked an attack by Fake App Attack.
Me: “If it was a fake, why block it?”
Finally weary of playing “beat me up verbally”, my computer has a change of heart, and starts to forgive and forget. I’m able to open my email and respond to a message from a client. I hit the spell check. Everything comes up correct, so I hit the send button. I ‘d mentioned in the email that I couldn’t travel to the client’s home, as it was inconvenient for me. I was horrified to see, that in the message I’d already sent my computer had helpfully changed the phrase, and now it read, “I cannot come to your home as I am incontinent.” At least the spelling was correct. All I could hope for now, was that my client would think it meant I was in Europe.
Fat chance there. (Sigh) Computer: one…..Val: zero.
Author Val Enders resides in Spruce Grove, Alberta. She married her high school sweetheart, Richard, and they’ve been together for over 40 years. Val doesn’t consider herself a writer by profession, rather she writes more for her own enjoyment. An accomplished artist, Val’s a member of the Allied Arts Council of Spruce Grove. Visit Val’s “Journey Into Art” website at www.vals.webs.com