» Thanks to automatic teller machines, children no longer believe that money grows on trees. Now they think it comes out of walls.
» While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about.
» I dreamed that God sneezed, and I didn’t know what to say.
» A lot of the friction in modern traffic is the result of half of the drivers out there trying to go fast enough to thrill and impress their girlfriends, while the other half is trying to go slow enough to please their wives.
» The next time that you don’t feel like buckling your seatbelt, ask yourself this, “Are seat belts more confining than wheelchairs?”
» Question: When is the best time to go to the dentist? Answer: At Tooth-hurty.
» As was church policy, a pastor met with a middle aged couple who wanted to be married in his church. When he raised the subject of premarital counseling to the two lovebirds, they were very quick to dismiss the idea. “Oh, we don’t need counseling,” the bride-to-be assured him. “We’ve both been married several times before.”
» Why do stores put pharmacies all the way at the back of the store, forcing sick people to walk all the way there to get their prescriptions filled, but keep cigarettes for sale right at the front?
» As you journey through life, take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.
» A guy walks into a bar to find a donkey serving drinks. The donkey sees him staring, and asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a donkey tending bar before? Are you one of those jerks who feels that donkeys shouldn’t be allowed to work in the hospitality business?” The guy says, “No, I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
» It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but, there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping.
» If you’re concerned that your baked ham is going to be too salty, simply bake it for half the normal time, then pour the juices off. Pour a can of ginger ale over the ham, and then continue to bake until it is cooked.
» Customer service isn’t everyone’s strong suit. One evening we went out to eat, and I had one of the worst meals in my life. It was so terrible that I simply had to say something. When my server came around, she saw my expression and asked, “Is everything okay, sir?” “No,” I replied. “This chicken is so tough that I can’t even cut it with my knife.” “I’m so sorry,” she said. “Can I bring you a different knife?”