Recently, I had to go for a gall bladder/pelvic ultrasound. As usual, I just had to share my experience with the girls. So here it is…
Today was my appointment for the gall bladder/pelvic ultrasound my doctor had ordered. There are some pre-test instructions that are given the night before, and God forbid you should get a good night’s rest before one of these torture sessions. My instructions were as follows: Drink as much water as you can, don’t eat anything after 8 p.m., don’t pee after 12 p.m., and come to your test with a full bladder. Sound familiar?
I arrived for my appointment, announced who was, and was handed a form to fill out. Since I don’t believe anyone reads them anyway, I had some fun with the questions:
1. Reason for appointment: The coffee shop was closed.
2. Sex: Hardly ever.
3. Family Doctor: No, we are all ditch diggers.
4. Are you pregnant? No we found out what was causing that and stopped immediately (Note: see question #2 above.)
I felt my bladder starting to complain, but finally they call me and I am led to the little curtained cubicle, ordered to strip it all off, slip on the gown, and have a seat. That booth was so small I had an urge to make a phone call.
Soon I am ushered into the Ultrasound room.
“Please lie down.” He, (yes, I said he, where are the women?) explained the procedure. Every second that passed by brought me closer to rethinking my stand on adult diapers and “giggle pads”.
He slathered that cold, gooey, sticky ointment on my abdomen and the minute he got started we were plunged into total darkness. The power went out! There I was, spread eagled, legs splayed like the Thanksgiving turkey, with nowhere to hide. My bladder reiterated the message that soon it was going to be all over, literally!
“Just go sit in the waiting room until we find out the problem”, I was told. Were they kidding! I was wearing a paper gown with blue paper slippers, and the draft coming from behind was like a solar wind, except not so warm. I got dressed again and went out to the waiting room doing the slow shuffle so nothing leaked out.
The receptionist informed me there was, and I quote, “Nothing to worry about, the power should be on in about an hour.” Whattttttttt! Was she out of her ever-lovin’ mind?? I’d never last! I decided to take a risk and hold on, hoping all the while that I wouldn’t gamble and lose.
Half hour later the power was back on but my bladder was threating to detonate, and the exam was in limbo as the computer had shut down and we’d have to reboot. Speaking of “booting”, I contemplated where I would like to put mine except I didn’t dare lift my leg.
Repairs done, we resumed again and shortly phase one of the test was complete and I was allowed to hit the can and make my deposit. Relief at last! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
In a more relaxed state of mind, I returned to the exam room and climbed back up on the table.
“Are you allergic to latex?” I was asked.
“Not to my knowledge”, I replied. “Why?”
From behind his back, the tech brought out a jumbo, king sized instrument that looked like a four foot telephone pole with a condom on the end!
Ladies, without getting graphic here, we all know where that was going. I thought to myself, Val, these people know what they’re doing, and besides what could possibly go wrong?
Author Val Enders resides in Spruce Grove, Alberta. She married her high school sweetheart, Richard, and they’ve been together for over 40 years. Val doesn’t consider herself a writer by profession, rather she writes more for her own enjoyment. An accomplished artist, Val’s a member of the Allied Arts Council of Spruce Grove. Visit Val’s “Journey Into Art” website at www.vals.webs.com