Woman Older Than Dirt, Pregnant After Forty Year Dry Spell?

You’ve Got To Be Kidding!

I came across an article written by Dagny Scott Barrios entitled “Twenty Reasons You’ll Miss Being Pregnant”. That headline really caught my eye, and my brain immediately shouted out “Are you KIDDING ME?”

“Now, now,” I replied mentally to the grey orb. “Give it a chance. There may be something you’re missing here.” Deep down I knew I would have a tough time convincing myself that I would miss pregnancy at any time.

Okay, I have to admit that I am way past the “fertile age” and if I got pregnant now, it would be a miracle. I can see the headline now. “Woman Older Than Dirt, Pregnant After Forty Year Dry Spell.” Granny says: “I just missed it so much!” I scanned down the article to try and find one reason that would convince me that I would miss pregnancy. The list says I would miss:

1. Having A Secret
Now I don’t need to be preggers to have this one. I keep secrets from how much cash I have in my back money, to who took the last doughnut.

2. Smiles From Total Strangers
I get this all the time, especially when I go downtown with a roller stuck in the back of my head. Oh, I got smiles when I was pregnant, and out and out laughs too, for some of my maternity wear.

3. Naps
Now I just nod off wherever I am. (this is due partly to my advanced age and partly from boredom) I’m still not convinced I’ll miss pregnancy for this little perk.

4. The “Rosy Glow”
Getting pregnant just to have a rosy glow seems a little extreme. A good bottle of vino can do the same thing, and you don’t have to save for the rest of your life in order to send it to college!

5. Eating For Two
During Christmas I felt I was eating for eight, so eating for two would be a letdown. Advantage: no diapers to change unless they are my own.

6. The “Anticipation”
Really? I look forward to my next vacation with a month off work! Don’t really look forward to having a child pop out after twelve hours of rigorous labour. Labour… 0 points…. Vacation …. 10 pts.

7. Indulging Your Cravings
I do that already. Example: I bought a box of Sugar Crisp cereal the other day because I haven’t had them since I was a kid, and bonus…. I didn’t have to put any of them on a highchair tray or sweep them up from the floor.

8. Feeling Special
I think I would feel special by treating myself to a day at the spa instead. I didn’t really feel too special with my ankles swollen to the size of footballs.

9. Being The Centre Of Attention
If I wanted to be the centre of attention, I’d gain ten pounds and put on a bathing suit. Oh, wait… already did that last summer. Oh, did you mean centre of attention in a good way???

10. Shopping
I do that now and get to buy stuff that I can wear that’s not in the color pink.

11. Hiccups And Kicks (???)
Occasionally I get the hiccups and my restless leg syndrome satisfies the prenatal kicks I’d get from a baby. Would I miss this… heck NO. How did this even get on the list??? Oh… I guess they mean those gut wrenching kicks and punches from the little guy using you as an early punching bag.

12. Being Taken Care Of
Some women are just lucky but this never made my top 10 list when I was pregnant. Now, when I hit senility, that’s when I’ll be “taken care” of … as in ‘nursing home’. Warm up that gruel, and get a bib. Dinner’s on!

I am more than half way through the list and nothing so far strikes me as something that I would miss about being pregnant. The rest of the list is not much better, going from “motivation” to the “taking part in the miracle of life”.

As I see it, there are only three things that have been a bonus when it comes to pregnancy, and right now one of those things is on her way over to visit for awhile, and the other is at work. Now, granny or not, that’s what would make me want to have the experience again. That, and the smell of little newborn baby feet. Sigh.


Val EndersAuthor Val Enders resides in Spruce Grove, Alberta. She married her high school sweetheart, Richard, and they’ve been together for over 40 years. Val doesn’t consider herself a writer by profession, rather she writes more for her own enjoyment. An accomplished artist, Val’s a member of the Allied Arts Council of Spruce Grove. Visit Val’s “Journey Into Art” website at www.vals.webs.com

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