Will’s Thoughts about bizarre celebrity children names.
I’m sure that someone has probably asked this question before, but what the heck is up with famous people abusing their celebrity children with bizarre names? For instance, Jermaine Jackson (Michael’s brother), and Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza (who also had kids with little brother, Randy Jackson), named their son, ‘Jermajesty’. Seriously? Does Jermajesty mean ‘Royal Germ’, or, is it gutter slang for a judge? Here’s an idea, folks. Maybe next time, let the narcotics work off after the delivery before committing your celebrity children to a life of unnecessary ridicule and humiliation. And, for no other reason than having parents too inconsiderate to think beyond their own artistic delusions.
Then there is Shannyn Sossamon and Jason Lee, who named their sons, ‘Mortimer’, and ‘Audio Science Clayton’. Really, Sahnnyn? Spend a wee too much time in front of computers as a child, did we? Or, did you name him after the section of the book store that you and the father conceived him in? I mean, I can accept Mortimer as a perfectly acceptable name for a momma’s boy accountant, but, for real? Who names their son after a crack head librarian’s superhero? While I applaud originality, some people celebrity children names make it downright offensive!
The 2012 recipients of the International YAWN award, Arthur Ashe, former tennis star, and spouse, Jeanne Moutoussamy, photographer and activist, named their daughter, ‘Camera’. Thank the good Lord the mother was not a stripper, or their poor child might have been named ‘Pole’. Then, on the other end of the spectrum, we have space cadets Penn Jillette and Emily Zolten, who gave their celebrity children the monstrous monikers of Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter) and Zolten (son). Unless they planned for their kids to graduate from Marvel Comic High, they have doomed them to a lifetime of Looney Tune harassment.
Of course, no celebrity children’s list would be complete without mentioning actor Jason Lee and actress Beth Riesgraf, who saddled their unfortunate son with the retched handle of, ‘Pilot Inspektor’. How in the world did they come up with that one? Did they use the First Nation method of naming the child after the first thing that’s seen? If so, is his middle name ‘ID’? Will his siblings get branded with names like, ‘Customs’, ‘Cafeteria’ and ‘Restrooms’? I empathize with the mentally unbalanced mindsets that lead to such vernacular horror stories, but it is my opinion that it is far better to name celebrity children a few hours after taking Prozac, than before.
Actress, hip hop artist and music producer, Erykah Badu, probably had all the best intentions when she named her celebrity children, but she really should have consulted a pyschiatrist. Erykha, just because you changed your own name from Erica to the flamboyant ‘Erykha’, does not mean you had the right to seriously screw with your children’s lives like you did. Your eldest, a son, you decided to name ‘Seven Sirius Benjamin’. Next to be labelled, sounding much like a dish at an East Indian restaurant, was daughter ‘Puma Sabti Curry’. Last, but not able to escape unscathed, was the youngest daughter, ‘Mars Merkaba Thedford’, whose name sounds like a candy character in an off-broadway production of ‘The Lion King in Manhattan’.
Born of Mother Earth, and obviously ‘Islanders’ at heart, actress Lisa Bonet and actor Jason Momoa, fell off the deep end and named their son, ‘Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha’ (say that five times really fast). And, if speaking with a mouthful full of marbles suited their son, their daughter, ‘Lola Iolani’, sounds eerily like she could have been named after a Hawaiian escort. But, let’s roar through a few more celebrity children! Drea de Matteo and Shooter Jennings named their daughter, ‘Alabama Gypsy Rose’. Lance and Mary Jane Henriksen must have been watching reruns of ‘Merlin’ when they named their child, ‘Alcamy’. David Puck and Betty Rainey must have been just ‘Pucking’ around when they called their kid, ‘Bogart Che Peyote’, or it was the result of a personal squabble over someone hogging the Mescaline?
Larry and Shawn King decided their offspring should shhot through time being called, ‘Cannon’, while Frank and Gail Zappa proved drugs do warp minds when they roasted their kids with tags like ‘Diva Muffin’, ‘Dweezil’, ‘Ahmet’ and ‘Moon Unit’. Anthony Kiedis and Heather Christie weren’t to be outdone, so they offended sanity by naming their child ‘Everly Bear’. Sting and Frances Tomelty went ultra-conservative, and named a child ‘Fuchsia’. But, Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack pulled out all the stops when they shackled their child with, ‘Sage Moonblood’. Ving Rhames and Deborah Reed must have conceived in The Yellow Submarine, hence their youth named ‘Reignbeau’ and ‘Freedom’. Tommy Lee Jones went with a phlemy sounding, ‘Kafka’ for his child, and David and Angela Bowie named their son, are you ready for this…. ‘Zowie’! In closing, I reckon that I would be amiss without mentioning former football star and actor, Dan Cortese, who named one of his celebrity children, India Isabella, and the other, whom I’m sure I don’t want to know what he was named after, ‘Tabooger’.
Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.